I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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