i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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