cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
