Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Porn is love you can see.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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