It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
