I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
