you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
