I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
