Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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