There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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