Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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