She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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