On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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