So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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