apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
