I could make wine with my vomit
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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