me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
