Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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