Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
