my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
