Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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