Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
