is your mom at the bar?
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Randomize
