Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
we should paint friendship bongs
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
