you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
