textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
