i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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