i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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