Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
