A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i barfeds in our rink
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
