seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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