I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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