i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
