I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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