I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
