i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
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