Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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