I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
