I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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