The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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