we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
