How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
