remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
