wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
