I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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