R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We don't watch enough power rangers
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
