Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
