My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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