I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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