Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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