Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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