you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
