last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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