I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
