i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
