So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
