I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm at about main and main street
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
