Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
