It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
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