Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
