i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
